I found out tonight that there has been a myriad of emails to Simon about our forthcoming weekend away (in less than 24 hours time). I'd not been made aware of any of the emails or attempts to organise what was going to happen beyond the mezze night tomorrow night, so it came as some surprise to me that there had been various attempts to organise a meal out on Saturday and other events, which to all intents and purposes we appear to have ignored.

I sent out a mass email declaring that maybe my husband had forgotten I was actually part and parcel of the weekend and and letting folks know what our preferences were.

In response I received the following (originally sent in September) which made me laugh so much. The accommodation for the weekend is a 5 bed barn conversion and there may be a bit of a bun fight for who gets which room as only 2 rooms have double beds, and only 3 rooms are ensuite.

To place it all in context though, you need to know the following:

1. Andy is 6ft 5.
2. Paul and Sheila are 3ft 2 (...ish)
3. Steve hates flying but has a flight simulator installed inside one of his wardrobes at home.
4. On a previous weekend away to West Yorkshire, Andy and Sally ended up in Middlesbrough. No, we don't know why either!
5. I have no idea where the motorbike reference comes from!

I hope this translates well and at least makes you smile.

Hi Pauline

This was my room allocation , sent to all the boys

Righto, here's the task for the weekend

Now that Andy has done all the legwork, sifted public opinion, negotiated times/costs and the quality of the door handles, not to mention stumping up the dosh for the damm thing, we have to decide the following important stuff

1) Who gets which room?

2) Who actually gets which room? (I know this is technically the same as 1, but its so important I thought I'd say it twice.)


Several alternatives present themselves:

a) First up, best dressed (i.e first to arrive gets the choice). Historically, this suits Steve, but only because he usually packs three days earlier than anyone else and sets off before dawn breaks, armed with marmalade sandwiches and a Thermos (its Paddington innit). Again, historically, Simon usually gets there a day after everyone else, meaning its down to Andy and me to race for the line. As Middlesboro is a mighty detour, I consider I have a good chance of second place.

b) Lottery allocation - a kind of prize draw with something along the lines of keys in a hat drawn against room numbers. This lends itself to a total mix up of rooms/wives/suitcases and could effectively end any future trips unless handled responsibly. Do we know anyone responsible???

c) The sympathy vote - this usually involves the Goldilocks principle where Daddy bear gets the biggest bed (or at least one long enough), meaning me n Sheila will end up in the broom cupboard under the stairs. Alternative criteria usually involve the height of the ceilings, whether there's enough room to bring the flight simulator - and cupboard, are we on the flight path by any chance, or even agoraphobia, which has nothing to do with spiders and everything to do with getting the best view from the bedroom window.

d) A brawl, but we all know who's gonna win this one.

e) The spreadsheet option - best handled by Simon due to his insurmountable knowledge of this particular subject (and the fact that we don't understand them), this will probably involve some degree of internet trawling for the cheapest parts, a complete risk assessment of the property rooms for obvious person incompatibilities, and some alignment of individual feng shooee to suit people to the colour of the bedspreads. However, I have my doubts about this method based on the old saying "the motorbike isn't dangerous until I get on it" although we aren't taking a motorbike I think this is pretty self explanatory*. Also, this is not by any means a two minute solution and the cottage is booked for November, depending on the availability of good plumbers**

* If it isn't then the person punching in the keys to the spreadsheet could be working on an entirely different set of principles to the ones everyone else thought were important.

** No plumbers will actually be going with us unless you know one that has a motorbike, in which case I'm wrong on all fronts.

Finally, I have what I consider the most civilised solution to the problem ...........................

GIVE IT TO THE GIRLS AND LET THEM SORT IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Any alternative opinions are welcome.

Paul